Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
