So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize