hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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