You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize