I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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