Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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