i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
