roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
