uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
