I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
