dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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