we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
