I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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