Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to calm my uterus...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
