Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
