You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize