My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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