Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
