Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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