barbara walters just said penis...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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