Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
