Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
