U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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