Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
