Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
