He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
