No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
