I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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