Define "chronic" masturbator.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
