Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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