My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
