You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
