My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
