you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
