Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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