It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
