Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
