I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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