We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
