If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
