i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
