so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
