first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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