Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
