Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
