I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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