Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
