he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
