Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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