She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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