My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
