Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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