meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
