why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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