# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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