smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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