hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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